I met with Sean (my therapist) again yesterday (Monday is out appointment). He acted surprised that I was "still holding onto that" when I said I was restricting still and that. It made me feel kind of mad that he would say that. The least I would expect from my therapist would be a little validation, it's not like this is some trendy diet that someone goes on to lose a little weight. It makes me mad, also, that he always brings up this girl he worked with who got down to 68 lbs. It's like he's trying to tease me. "How low can YOU get before I'll believe you're ill" Arrrrgh! I HATE being compared (by other people) to other people. I can do it myself, but it feels SO awful when someone else does it. Yeah, I'm not anywhere near 68 lbs. So what? It makes me feel like I'm not as important as her. Maybe I will be if I get down that low.
He was asking why I think I have to "starve myself." I said "I'm eating." Why aren't people smart enough to tell the difference between fasting (eating nothing) and restricting (eating)? It seems like a pretty simple enough concept to me. But anyway, I said I just want to be like the other girls. I want to be thin and pretty. I said "Thin, pretty girls are more successful, if a thin, pretty girl went into a job interview with no experiance and an average or overwheight girl with experiance went into the same interviewer, the thin, pretty girl would be more likely to get the job." I said "Thin, pretty girls are more successful, they make more sales, people like them, they can wear cute clothes and all the cute new styles are designed for skinny girls. If you're not skinny, you have to wear ugly clothes and you can't be in style." I said I wanted to be like all the other skinny girls, like my sisters--skinny and pretty. It's something I've wanted all my life. He doesn't know that I've had disordered eating since I was 15 years old. I would restrict and if I ate I would purge. I would get sick every time I ate. He doesn't know that both my parents have disordere eating and so do two of my 3 siblings. He's a fairly new therapist for me, I haven't shared all these things with him. I hate it when people don't know the whole story and assume they do.
When I was a little girl, my mom went on a strict diet. I grew up eating dry toast, very, very little meat and skim milk. When I was young, my favorite food was grapefruits. I didn't get candy or desserts unless it was a special occasion. I didn't even like chocolate because of the gross bitter-sweet chocolate my mom gave me. My brother is a fasting fool, my sister went on meth to lose weight and now that she is off, all she talks about is how much she weighs and going to the gym. She'll leave family parties to go to the gym. My other sister is so pretty and blond and thin she looks like a skinny Barbie doll, maybe thinner. My oldest niece is 16 and she is one of the biggest thinspirations you've ever seen with her willowy arms, teeny, tiny waist and tiny profile. And my sister (the Barbie, her mom) is the same size as her. My dad, who is overweight, is always getting on my case about losing weight (saying I need to). He even offers me monitary incentives.
It's my dream to be the same size as my sisters and be able to trade clothes with them. I wanna be able to look great in a bikini--like head-turning good. I want to wear all the styles that only look good on skinny girls. I want to be able to wear cute lingerie and look sexy in it. I want guys I've never met to find me attractive.
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giddy
determined
overwhelmed
nervous
satisfied
contemplative
depressed
calm
bouncy
irratable
okay